Let the Unlearning Begin
This post was originally published on July 30, 2020, on Instagram as part of Her Growth Collective.
This weekend I was watching a little Wizards of Waverly Place on Disney+ with the kids. It’s a cute show and we always have a good laugh together while watching it. I’ve noticed that the show panders to traditional gender stereotypes, but I call them out when I see them so that I can teach my kids to question the content they are consuming. It’s not like these things can be avoided completely; so I prefer to use them as teachable moments. ⠀
The last episode we watched really got under my skin though, because it so perfectly depicted societal norms around women’s self-promotion and self-advocacy. ⠀
Many of us struggle with confidence and self-promotion. It’s why impostor syndrome is a trending topic and we say things to ourselves like, “Channel your inner mediocre white man.”⠀
Society has made women paranoid about being seen as braggarts and we wonder how we got here. The last episode of the Wizards of Waverly Place we watched is just one example of how. ⠀
In the episode, Selena Gomez’s character accidentally drinks a love potion that makes her fall in love with herself. (Toxic message #1: self-love is bad.)⠀
Now that Selena’s character loves herself, she feels free to share her accomplishments and strengths with the world. The catch... every time she says something nice about herself, her head physically grows. She is literally depicted as being full of hot air in the episode. (Toxic message #2: women should not call attention to their strengths or accomplishments.)⠀
Of course, when she has an inflated head she has to hide herself from the public to keep her magic a secret. Elaborate schemes ensue involving various family members to hide her special gifts. (Toxic message #3: you can be exceptional as long as no one else knows.)⠀
She eventually learns that self-deprivation and sharing her faults will deflate her head and return her to normal. (Toxic message #4: people like women more when they shrink to fit the crowd.)⠀
In the Ambition Unboxed FB Group we regularly ask members of our community to share their accomplishments so that we can celebrate them. More importantly, it’s a safe place for women to practice self-promotion (so that they have more confidence doing so when it matters the most). Even in this safe place, we women have little interest in sharing our accomplishments. And who can blame us when we are taught in childhood that being a braggart will make us unlikeable.
As women, our hesitation to advocate for ourselves and to share our accomplishments publicly holds us back in big ways. Yes, by sharing we risk backlash and being labeled arrogant. I’m not saying sharing comes without risk. However, without sharing we fail to get the recognition, promotions, and pay raises that we have rightfully earned. We must stop shrinking to make the world around us comfortable. It holds us back and it holds our communities and our nation back.
We have a lot of unlearning to do in this area.
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This post is written in partnership with #HerGrowthCollective, encouraging women to walk the path of self-development together.
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