"Just Be Yourself" Doesn't Go Far Enough
This post was originally published on October 29, 2020, on Instagram as part of Her Growth Collective.
“Just be yourself.” Seems like good advice at the surface level, but it can be incredibly frustrating to hear as a working mom and woman in a male-dominated field.
I remember hearing this advice years back after a male colleague threatened to quit if management sided with me on a dispute. Turned out I was right, but his ego was damaged.
By now you have probably gathered that I’m a pretty easy-going person for the most part. Sure, I have strong opinions on some things, but I don’t often get riled up and especially not in a professional setting. I do believe in addressing issues head-on so that they do not stew and grow out of control - but I also believe the best way to do that is to try and take the emotion out of it and go back to the facts. The cross he chose to fight me over? Sending an automated reply to our customers to let them know their service desk ticket had been received and we were looking into it. Despite this being an established best practice, he refused to let us set up these emails and it blew up in our face with a high-value client.
Management did side with me because it was the best business decision, but not without the Co-Founder having to talk him down and convince him to stay. I, on the other hand, was given the advice above...just keep being yourself and trust that everything will work out.
In my mind I clapped back, “How am I supposed to be myself when being myself is clearly a liability?” And, “I’m not even sure I know who that is any more!” After years of walking on eggshells-shells, of delicately choosing a carefully calculated word or phrase depending on which co-worker or client I was speaking to, I was hiding.
Mel McSherry and I talk about this in Season 1 Episode 2 of the Ambition Out Loud podcast so definitely check that out. For today, my thoughts on being the real you:
If you feel like this... not quite sure who you are any more... you are not alone. I hear women, and especially moms, say this all the time. When we live our lives in service to others it can be so easy to lose ourselves in the process. You’re not a failure. You just need to put yourself back in the equation.
Working toward your goals is not putting yourself back into the equation in the way that I mean. Work toward your goals because you deserve to live a fulfilling life... but also make time for hobbies, hanging out with friends, reading a good book, watching a movie that YOU want to watch, or any of the other frivolous activities that brought you joy in your teens and early 20’s. Make time to connect with the voice inside your head again. She misses you, and when you stop running for two minutes, you’ll realize that you miss her too.
Be real, be authentic, and also it’s okay to draw lines at times and protect yourself. In the episode Mel says that not everyone deserves your full stories or your emotions. She’s right. It’s okay to put boundaries in place. Put your energy into the people that deserve it.
Find a group of supportive women who will have your back. When I was going through this, I called up a girlfriend from a former job and we met for lunch in downtown Chicago. Being able to commiserate with someone who had been in similar situations and who understood where I was coming from gave me the strength to stay in the game. This is 1,000% important for anyone who works in a very male-dominant environment.
Remember it’s probably not you, it’s them. Introspection and a desire to always grow and improve is part of learning who you are - all good things. Still, at the end of the day being an ambitious or high-achieving woman will mean that your sheer existence is offensive to some people. This can be even more true for LGBTQ people or BIPOC people. Throw in intersectional identification with any of these categories and things can go south quickly in the wrong company. You can’t control how people with ultra-conservative beliefs view you. Don’t take their issues on yourself. Their judgment is a reflection of their own demons. No one wants to be the target of such hate, but don’t let it erode your own sense of identity and worth. Find the people who love the real you and they will strengthen your ability to love yourself.
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This post is written in partnership with #HerGrowthCollective, encouraging women to walk the path of self-development together.
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